THE CHARACTERS Fatbeard The Legendary Captain of the infamous Fatbeard Pirates. Captain Fatbeard is no stranger to Christmas as its his excuse to binge on butter more furiously than he normally does. This Christmas he decided to play the role of Santa. Fatbeard's mother is a signature cook and sent Fatbeard enough butter to last him for years. Seeing all the good people of The Island without any butter at all he fashioned a sleigh and got his beloved Polly to pull and he made his rounds to all the houses throughout the Island. On the way he picked up a few stow aways... Vladimir Vladimir of Old Country Most Powerful Man in World, so strong is he that his very name will leave you feeling like you've been punched in the lungs. When Fatbeard tried to make his way through Old Country he was stopped by the mighty Vladimir and was challenged to fight. Mistaking Fatbeard for an Old Country Christmas Hero, Saint Punchulous, Vladimir quickly embraced Fatbeard *After punching him in the face* and refused to leave the sleigh of his childhood hero. Action Man The number one Dad super hero! He offers a tribute of Home Grown Narcotics to Vladimir as to not have the snot beat out of him. How he got on the sleigh in the first place? Literally no one knows he just kinda showed up after emerging from a plume of smoke. (disclaimer he gets punched in the face by Vladimir) (Sponsored by Home Grown Narcotics if its not Home Grown its shit.) Hansel Von Shipperstein Being stopped again along the journey, this time when the gang was crossing the wide open sea. Everyone was shocked to see a massive thatch seagull piloted by an odd German man who claimed to be apart of the Royal Navy. He boarded the vessel and refused to leave until he had inspected all the tatch on the sleigh. Fatbeard growing more and more flustered tried his best to ignore it and went on his way. Mr.West The lovable bidnissman/president/chicken CEO Mr.West seen holding a bucket of his signature 7 spiced chicken. A precious sight to behold. He hopped aboard the sleigh with a massive stash of meat and exclaimed that Steakmas was his idea and that he would be the one delivering presents. Korth Firesandwich Everybody's favorite jovial dwarf and owner of the famed Drunken Dwarf Inn. There really isn't a time when he's not drunk. He ended up wandering into sleigh at a quick bar stop. He offered drinks so they let em stay. Wienerlock Atop the highest mountain which was the coldest place on earth there was a blinding snow storm. The party would have been hopelessly lost if it hadn't been for a shinning beacon of light in the distance. Upon closer inspection it seemed to be a king frozen solid with a torch perched in his hand. Being unable to pry the torch from the king's icy fingers the gang simply lifted the king into the sleigh and the path was instantly illuminated by his bright torch. Fabio Hearing word over the radio about a church service the gang rushed to a grand chapel filled with an abundance of blinding lights and pictures of...men? It was Fabio Magnifico Gualiupia blaa blaa blaa the something 3rd or something like that. He preached a fiery sermon that melted everyone's heart. Expect for Geeny Wieenie's heart the supposed name of the frozen king as told to us by a seemingly perfect knight. No unfortunately Geeny was still frozen from the neck down. Fabio joined the merry crew to their final destination t'was the house of a many chillens, Action man's gaggle of nerds. It was through the many turrets and traps and golems and rexes and auto turrets and layered walls and a lot of other really dangerous stuff that our gang went through to find the roof and chimney where Fatbeard would have to fit through. Ironically for Fatbeard he might have been a little too fat to be Santa. Happy Holidays!
Tags: fistofthewalrus, christmas, holiday, sweater