DK Glassy

Description: Spiro had a way of looking at people to discern whether they were messing with him or telling the truth. It worked about 50% of the time. He only counted the times it worked, so in that sense, it was highly effective.

Description: Edina generally liked the way she looked, yet nonetheless, every time she looked in the mirror, there was a moment of surprise at the face staring back at her. “Okay, so this is what I have to work with today,” she would think, as she put herself together to start her morning.

Description: Mort studied all the time, but never had the grades to show it. Then one day, he let go, and decided to just be happy with who he was. It was the best decision he ever made.

Description: Stanislav always hated his name. That is, until he embraced it and began dressing like a Stanislav. Then he loved it so. In this way, he learned the art of self-acceptance and was often complimented as being the best dressed plumber in the tri-state area.

Description: Dervin considered himself a humanist. So much so that he appropriated every culture he encountered. He considered it his version of the Will Rogers saying, “I never met a man I didn’t like.” This is Dervin without dreadlocks.

Description: Tina had a bit of a habit. Spoiler alert: it was a music festival habit. She liked going. She liked the camaraderie. She liked dancing to songs that seemed impossible to dance to. Some would say it was her superpower. Others would call it delusion. No one had more fun than Tina.

Description: Peter liked fruit better than vegetables. It might not make him special, he knew, but it was an important thing to know about him on a daily basis. Moreso, for example, than the details what he had buried in his basement so many years ago.

Description: Theodonis ¬¬¬often found himself deep in thought. Thoughts he couldn’t share because of how mundane they were. He was prone pondering things like how proud the person who designed the ridge pattern on his toilet paper must have felt when they received final approval.

Description: Steve worked the night shift at a 24-hour all-you-can-eat buffet. He preferred it that way. It meant he could spend his days working on his book, “My Life Working at a 24-Hour Buffet.”

Description: Lisa was always up for something new. To her, life was meant to be an adventure and there was no greater tragedy than boredom. It is for this reason she was unsuited for her job as a forensic librarian.

Description: McManus knows if he screws up one more time, Chief is going to kick him all the way down to desk duty. Luckily, McManus has a 10th degree blackbelt in planting evidence. Such is the life of a forensic crossing guard.

Description: Phyllis heard her name called and was in a daze. She was not expecting it at all. At least not yet. She walked up to the microphone, feeling like she wasn’t even in her own body. “First of all, it’s an honor just to be here,” she said. The fast food worker handed her her order.

Description: Todd lost a bet. That much was clear. What the bet was for, however, was anyone’s guess, and guess they did. “Hey Todd, looks like you lost a bet for the worst place to put your finger." Stuff like that.

Description: Kelly does not suffer fools. Fools suffer Kelly. Please direct all complaints to whatever your email address is. No, really, it will get to her.

Description: Zeke is that guy from work. You know which guy we’re talking about. Don’t get Zeke started. He’s that guy. That guy from work. His favorite color is your mother.

Description: Clark was the runner-up in the 2017 Worst Haircut Competition. His hobbies include running a comb through his second-place coif and blurting out random memories.

Description: Dennings is a cop on the edge, with a history bad paperwork and a trail of ex-wives. Donut jokes don’t fly with him, as he’s a breakfast sandwich man. Ask him if he’s a cannibal. He dares you.

Description: Hortense gets nervous around things that make him nervous, like products bearing his likeness. Please do not wear Hortense gear around Hortense, you sick little puppy.

Description: Derrick isn't bright, but people often mistake him for being a genius because he has money. Everybody knows someone who knows a Derrick.

Description: Irving had suppressed his emotions to the point that he only felt safe experiencing rage. So atomic was the wall of fury he had built around his inner child that it prevented him from receiving the one thing he really needed. A hug.

Description: Tabitha always held out hope. Like the time her lottery card matched in the second digit on every single number. “Well, I’m halfway there,” she thought, as she discarded the ticket, not realizing that every single first digit matched too, just not on the correct numbers.

Description: Bernice had come to loathe the internet-based dating scene. Boasting about income is not a personality trait, but rather a personality disorder, she thought, as the latest tech-bro not-so-subtly flashed his Tesla key fob.

Description: Yellowman was only his nickname, of course, but he had gone by it for so long that he himself often forgot his real name. Dick. Dick Wadsworth. He preferred Yellowman.

Description: Buddy was no coward, that much was certain. He just had an irrational fear of things most women weren’t afraid of. Purchasing feminine hygiene products for example.

Description: Janice looked back fondly on her days working in customer service. After all, had it not been for the incident with the expired receipt and pharmaceutical-grade plutonium, she may never have acquired her superpowers.

Description: Hap was concerned that the smiley face emoji was reductive of the contributions his kind have made to society. He would much rather be seen as a exuberant idiot than a dehumanized icon of the technocracy. It makes him feel like he exists.

Description: Deidre was starstruck by all things famous. Whether a celebrity, a mascot or a breakfast cereal somehow being near something important made her feel important.

Description: Dave was always misplacing things. His keys, his wallet, you name it. Sometimes they were in his pocket. Other times in his vacuum sealed, password protected, underground bunker with time release lock. Those were the days he was late.

Description: Adam was a yes-man. A suck-up. A sycophant, if you will. The thing was, Adam couldn’t say, “no.” Literally. Not since the incident in 2008 involving birthday candles, a four-leaf clover, a wishbone and a canister of unicorn farts purchased off the brown web.

Description: Francis like music and he liked it loud. Anyway, that’s what he told people. The truth was, Francis was no headbanger. His mind had been blown when meditating on a book of 18th century erotic poetry. He was just afraid his co-workers at the meth lab wouldn’t understand.

Description: Penny often found herself faced with crippling indecision. Something as simple as choosing a side order could send her into a dissociative state, where she could see herself saying the words, “side salad—no wait—brussels sprouts,” while hovering above her own body.

Description: Glenn insisted he had a heightened sense of smell and people believed him. In reality, Glen’s olfactory prowess was average at best. He just had huge nostrils, so people would question the keenness of their own senses rather than the dubiousness of his.

Description: Alana had this cute little tick where she would purse her lips and pull them to the side. Eventually it became her personality.

Description: Vance Chesterfield was the kind of guy who you always called by his first and last name. It just sounded wrong if you didn’t. Even if he was the only Vance anyone knew, people would have no idea who you were talking about if you Vanced about him without the surname.

Description: Contessa can be a bit shy, but only because her thoughts are so dark.