VariousGarbage

Description: Woah, man! That's pretty crazy, dude. This shirt boosts your wicked gnarly power straight to the moon.

Description: What's that? Some debauchery afoot in yonder alley? Some dark, arcane force pulling from the corners of your mind to pursue the shadow slipping just out of view? Perhaps it is time to take a look. Never look at anything the same way again when you purchase the Intrigued Doug Schmitty shirt.

Description: Consider this like that sign from God you've been waiting for. You're working yourself to the bone and sometimes it's important to remember that it's okay to be alone with your thoughts. Please buy my shirt.

Description: What's that going on over yonder? Is someone talking about you behind your back? Is something being given out that you aren't privy to? That's a crock of lasagna, and you're not having it today. If you're going to stick your snoot where it doesn't belong, may as well let Doug Schmitty come along as well.

Description: Get out of your way. You've got places to be and you're gonna get there now. Anyone in your way chose to get in your way, and whatever happens to them, they probably had it coming. Let Doug Schmitty represent your inner rage to let those ahead of you know they're in for a world of hurt. Knife not included.

Description: You are far beyond the average plebeians. Those neanderthals are still talking about "That Boy" and "Me IRL." You scoff. How deplorable, them insulting your intellectual power in such laughable way. The only proper way to prove your superiority is to purchase the Cultured Doug Schimtty. I promise.

Description: The dark times aren't coming, they're here. Everything's gone awry. You've lost your job, your house was robbed, your friends left you behind to play Minecraft. How can it get any worse? Purchasing the Unending Dread Doug Schmitty, of course.