Tapestries
Description: You do not get off MoPac. You only get on. One merge, and then nothing after that. The signs promise exits. The road has never produced one. Everyone in every lane had somewhere to be. None of it survived the on-ramp. You were going somewhere. That was the last true thing about you.
MOPAC Tapestry
$30
Description: Every city has a main street. Austin has a crime scene with a cover charge. DIRTY SIXTH pays tribute to the legendary stretch of 6th Street where bachelorette parties, cover bands, and questionable life choices converge nightly into one unholy frequency. Rendered here in full black-metal regalia, this design honors the sacred ritual of stepping over a puddle that definitely isn't water and pretending you didn't see what you just saw. Perfect attire for two-stepping, getting separated from your friend group, or explaining to your Uber driver why your shoes are wet.
Description: "Dangerously Skip Permissions" is the most dangerous thing ever written in a command line interface, and it deserved a shirt. This design pays tribute to the flag that separates the brave from the merely caffeinated, rendered in appropriately illegible death metal lettering with full giant lich king energy. For the developer who has stared into the abyss of an AI permissions prompt and chosen violence.
Description: There is a place at the corner of 45th and Lamar in Austin, Texas. It has always been there. The acolytes say it always will be. Part of the Austin Metal Series by BROOTAL BRANDING — death metal art for people who take their inside jokes very seriously. Original illustration and hand-lettered metal logo on a classic black tee. Perfect for Austin locals, Texas transplants, and anyone who has ever had a frosty margarita while staring into the eldritch voids.
Description: BATS! BATS! Every sunset, the Congress Avenue Bridge in Austin, Texas unleashes roughly 1.5 million tiny winged agents of chaos into the evening sky, emerging en masse to terrorize mosquitoes, confuse tourists, and remind everyone who really runs this city after dark. Part local legend, part nightly spectacle, this design celebrates Austin’s most famous residents as they swarm out over Lady Bird Lake in gloriously dramatic fashion. Perfect for anyone who loves Austin, appreciates a little gothic exaggeration, or simply believes a city is better when it comes with its own airborne army.
Description: The heaviest sandwich in the South just got heavier. This shirt pays homage to the legendary Chicken Tender Sub from Publix, rendered in a grim, black-metal style complete with the official item SKU. It’s crispy, it’s spicy, and it’s totally illegible to anyone over the age of 50. The perfect attire for your next grocery run or mosh pit.
Description: The heaviest sandwich in the South just got heavier. This shirt pays homage to the legendary Chicken Tender Sub from Publix, rendered in a grim, black-metal style complete with the official item SKU. It’s crispy, it’s spicy, and it’s totally illegible to anyone over the age of 50. The perfect attire for your next grocery run or mosh pit.
Description: Witness the grim reality of a roast ruined in the fires of the abyss! We’ve taken the classic 'Steamed Hams' dialogue and reimagined it as a grindcore album cover, featuring Skinner and Chalmers as decaying ghouls feasting on fast food deceit. With a logo so spiky and illegible it violates health codes, this tee is the perfect attire for isometric exercises, Aurora Borealis sightings, or just disguising fast food as your own cooking. It’s delightfully devilish and absolutely BROOTAL.
Description: Summon the riffs, crack your knuckles, and let the skulls clatter. VIBE CODING is the dark art of forging lines of code under neon moonlight while your skeleton crew headbangs in approval. Merge your branches, shred your deadlines, and commit your soul to the repo. This isn’t debugging, this is a ritual. Plug in, tune down, and vibe on.
Description: Your Outie enjoys windmilling in the pit. Your Outie's battle vest gets complimented at the merch table. Your Outie knows the difference between blast beats and gravity blasts. Tell all your friends you're into corporate dystopia shows with this DEVOUR FECULENCE tee (or hoodie or sticker, whatever floats your boat), showing a more brütal side to the Severance procedure. Kier's 4 Tempers (Frolic, Malice, Dread, and Woe) are listed at the bottom, as a reminder to always keep Lumon in your heart. Praise Kier. #kiercore
Description: KOWLOON! The Reckoning of Route 1! The Sepulchral Specter of Saugus! The Titanic Touchstone of Tiki! All you Brootie Patooties in Massachusetts know what I'm talking about. Slap this logo on anything you want. A shirt, a hoodie, a sticker, you name it.
KOWLOON Tapestry
$30
Description: And as you can see on this slide, our year-over-year conversion rates from nu metal to death metal is up 33%, which is well over our projected numbers, so great job to the Conversion Ops Team. Next slide please. And here...nope, sorry, go back one...one more...And here, you'll see that despite some macro-economic djent factors at play, we've successfully sped up our blast beats by a whopping 64% compared to last quarter. There's still room for improvement with having our caveman riffs localized to emerging markets, but we all know it's a slow growth and we won't be seeing significant data until the end of the fiscal year.
Description: We also have this in a blue-and-yellow variant, check out the store page for other designs! This Austin-based designer creates band logos in the classic death metal style for non-death metal things. What is Brootal Branding? Correct, the board is yours. Doo doo dooooo, do do doo doo dooooo, doo doo doo doo DOOT! Do do do do do, doo doo dooooo, do do doo doo doooooo, DOOT! Doo doot doot doot....doot.....doot, DUNM DUMN.
Description: This Austin-based designer creates band logos in the classic death metal style for non-death metal things. What is Brootal Branding? Correct, the board is yours. Doo doo dooooo, do do doo doo dooooo, doo doo doo doo DOOT! Do do do do do, doo doo dooooo, do do doo doo doooooo, DOOT! Doo doot doot doot....doot.....doot, DUNM DUMN.
Description: Imagine a dark and grainy wheat field, stalks bent by the sheer power of the gluten-free rebellion. At the top, a devilishly grinning baguette wields a lightning bolt as if it's the mighty Mjölnir, commanding the gluten-free thunder with delicious wheatless authority. Sprinkled around the battlefield are shattered bread crusts, smashed in the wake of the gluten-free revolution. It's not just a shirt; it's a gluten-free metal saga that's both menacing and worthy of a couple chuckles. Embrace the gluten-free brutality and let the world know that even in the world of metal, you don't mess with someone's dietary preferences!
Description: I love milk, I love cheese, but I've becoming a bit more lactose intolerant as I get older. My heart goes out to the cheeseless, milkless folks out there. This has the original LACTOSE INTOLERANT logo design, plus a gnarly ribcage illustration. This is the "milk white" variant of the design.
