Deadpan Tapestries

Description: Simple white letters on black background: "hoi polloi". It sounds kinda fancy, right? "Join the hoi polloi for some polo, what, old chap?" But no. It means the masses; the common people; the poors. You and me, as it happens.

Description: Simple white letters on black background: "a bit sweary". Whether the air around you is constantly blue, people liken you to a sailor, or you just like the odd cuss word, maybe give people a heads-up. For the mildly profane.

Description: Actually, this is my second rodeo. Designed for anyone who feel like they've done all this before.

Description: A minimal typography design of the phrase we should get sushi carol, in yellow text. Is this Pluribus Carol, or a Carol from an old dank meme?

Description: Current mental state: 100% exhausted, 0% thoughts. The ultimate deadpan cat face for students, programmers, and tired office workers.

Description: Simple white letters on black background: "I'll be nicer if you'll be smarter." So many people who just want to make up their own facts; it's ridiculous and aggravating. It's like people CHOOSE to be stupid. Gah.

Description: Due to unfortunate circumstances, I am out of bed. I have better things do, like nap.

Description: Simple white letters on black background: "don't say 'bite me' and then act all surprised". Some of us are literal. And we have teeth. Just stay away.

Description: Simple white letters on black background: "Make it make sense." Because these days there are too many things that are just batsh*t insane. WTF is going on? Can you explain it to me?

Description: Simple white letters on black background: "a bit much". Are you strong, obstinate, maybe even stubborn or willful? Are you British or Australian and need understatement to live? Maybe this is for you.

Description: Simple white letters on black background: "This is my second rodeo." I got my boots on, I know what time the mutton bustin' starts, and I might even buy me a funnel cake. Yeehaw.

Description: No, that's not a typo at the end of your email - "please hesitate to contact me". I hope this email finds you. Or not. Just leave me alone; we're all exhausted.

Description: Simple white letters on black background: "At this point, if a clown invited me into the woods, I'd just go." How much worse could it get, realistically? Meh.

Description: Simple white letters on black background: "Artificial Intelligence: Not as great a threat as natural stupidity." Yeah. People are stupid which is why we can't have nice things. Like democracy.

Description: This Is My Second Rodeo

Description: I Like Cats I Just Can't Eat A Whole One By Myself

Description: A white "NON" gives way to a heavy red "ESSENTIAL." in a split-word headline that flips the meaning of the word with a single color change. Blunt, dry and built for anyone who suspects the org chart has them down as optional. A fun pick for office veterans, middle managers, cubicle dwellers and fans of dark workplace humor.

Description: I Like Cats I Just Can't Eat A Whole One By Myself

Description: A deadpan pink cat goes trick or treating with a tiny pumpkin bucket, surrounded by cute ghosts and Halloween stars. Perfect for cat lovers who prefer their Halloween a little more cute, quirky, and sarcastic.

Description: These boots were made for mutton bustin'. Mutton Busting, Yeehaw.

Description: Simple white letters on black background: "I am just as shocked as you". I just can't even. I'm shocked, I tell you, SHOCKED.

Description: Jan. 1851: Russian author Leo Tolstoy confides to his diary that he'd fallen in love at a party, and then as an afterthought - "Bought a horse which I don't need at all." Ah yes, unnecessary horse; who hasn't been there?! Style variations available.

Description: A heavy white "ROUNDING" meets a stark red "ERROR." in a punchy two-tone headline that treats a person as a decimal nobody will miss. Dry, dark and built for anyone who has ever watched their contribution vanish into a spreadsheet footnote. A fun pick for accountants, analysts, finance teams, data nerds and fans of deadpan numbers humor.

Description: I Like Cats I Just Can't Eat A Whole One By Myself

Description: Hilarious deadpan selfie of an unimpressed tabby cat stuffed into a colorful oversized knitted reindeer holiday sweater by the decorated Christmas tree.

Description: "LOW" in stark white capitals leads into a heavy red "PRIORITY." that reads like a verdict stamped on a ticket. Dry, deadpan and built for anyone who has ever sat at the bottom of someone else's to-do list. A fun pick for project managers, support desk veterans, overworked teams and fans of dark office humor.

Description: I Like Cats I Just Can't Eat A Whole One By Myself

Description: i-was-promised-a-handbasket

Description: If The Women Don't Find You Handsome They Should At Least Find You Handy

Description: If The Women Don't Find You Handsome They Should At Least Find You Handy

Description: A retro drink-mix label bottles up bedside manner: "DEHYDRATED COMPASSION · JUST ADD ENERGY DRINK & A 12-HOUR SHIFT," with the fine print "DO NOT MICROWAVE. ALREADY HOT." Dry and worn out and built for anyone who runs on caffeine, care, and sheer stubbornness. A fun pick for nurses, nursing students, and hospital staff, and part of the Dehydrated Emotions series, with more on Dashery.

Description: The raccoon humor artwork pairs the Everyone Relax Im Professionally Developed Raccoon theme with professional development and teacher workshop joke.

Description: "I am very poorly today and very stupid and hate everybody and everything." Charles Darwin wrote it in 1861 but it's just as true today. Eugh, it's too peoplely out there and everything sucks. Variants in color and typeface available.

Description: A retro drink-mix label reduces a full-scale panic to a powder: "DEHYDRATED PANIC · JUST ADD COLD BREW & PLAY DEAD," with the fine print "SERVING SUGGESTION: LIE VERY STILL." Dry and twitchy and built for anyone whose first instinct is to freeze and hope nobody notices. A fun pick for opossum fans, introverts, and cold brew drinkers, and part of the Dehydrated Emotions series, with more on Dashery.

Description: A bold white "HUMAN" sits beside a heavy red "RESOURCE." in a blunt, period-stamped headline that reduces a person to a line on a spreadsheet. Dry, dark and built for anyone who has ever been treated like a number at work. A fun pick for office veterans, HR survivors, cubicle dwellers and fans of deadpan corporate satire.

Description: A retro drink-mix label admits the supply of happiness is empty: "DEHYDRATED JOY · JUST ADD ESPRESSO & TAX SEASON," with the fine print "NET WT. 0.00." Dry and numbers-obsessed and built for anyone who counts the days until April 16th. A fun pick for accountants, bookkeepers, and tax preparers, and part of the Dehydrated Emotions series, with more on Dashery.