Bright Red Rocket

I know what you were thinking of doing, so you can stop thinking that as well. You're not going anywhere, and you're certainly not going to do what you were planning on doing, so just leave it alone, will you? No, no, no, just plain no, and stop even trying to deny that you were trying to get away with what you were trying to get away with. That's enough!

Everything sags on a dog like that!

When a friend is this excited you just kind of go with it, you know? I mean, it's not that thrilling to you, but they're all worked up about it, and they need some kind of support. How is that going to hurt you, right?

This cat emits a plaintive cry - "Cat!" What can it mean? Does she want out? A treat? A change of the litter box? A re-evaluation of the role of the proletariat in an industrial society?

Hey little feller! What's new in your world?

Spring is here, and love is in the air! How proud this guy must feel walking down the street with this cutie on his arm! And how jealous we all are.

Why not wear the mug of our disgraced 37th President of the United Snakes of America on your chest? His middle name, "Milhous," stands for all that is awkward, untimely, unfortunate, and misbegotten. As an enemy to Hippies everywhere he was a perfect square and scapegoat. As a traitor and cheat he stands proudly with other reprobates in the Hall of Awful Presidents. There's always room for one more! We chose RED for the preview. Rabid anti-commie Nix would have LOVED that.

Oh sweet christ get that thing away from me you reprehensible rodent. Now I know why it's on sale - you're trying to get rid of it before the Health Department cites you for multiple violations.

Ha ha! This dopey ghost!

Our very best. This one packs a wallop - over 50 bajillion volts and has settings that go from X-rays all the way through Q-beans and the Fourth Ray. Truly a device only the most discerning consumer deserves.

You've got lots of stuff with robots on it, I know. But you don't have any with a robot in this pose - dejected, slightly discouraged, unable to figure out what to do next. And yet you, like me, spend a lot of your time feeling like this and taking this posture. Fix that right away - this design awaits you in all its forms!

Not just the title of a perplexing and fascinating mini-comic available at nakedrabbit.com. Wearing this shirt proclaims to the world that you, my friend, are a total weirdo and cannot be trusted to behave well in public. This site will only allow purchase of this shirt to people who are certifiably deranged.

The big questions are always the hardest to answer. "Why are we here?" "Is there a meaning to life?" "What is this thing called Love?" and, most frustratingly, "Why do people get so many bad tattoos on their asses?" Ah, these mysteries. If they had simple answers what would we humans do with ourselves if not to bust our brains coming up with nonsensical solutions?

After a long day being a crusty old sea dog you pull into the dockside tavern and you expect some fan service, yeah? A busty barmaid to take your order, and perhaps later whack you on the noggin with a beer stein when you get a little too grabby. What a letdown. It's just that hamster in drag.

Yes, this slightly creepy old dude is casting his reflections back into the sands of time... what does he see? That time he mistakenly tore the wrong end of a cereal packet and the corn flakes came tumbling all over the table? That time he parked a little too close to the Volvo? The sweet smell of gasoline? Cripes, this guys is boring.

Sometimes the only rational response to an irrational situation is to beat cleats, know what I mean? Just get the hell out, and the devil take the hindmost, as Grandma used to say. She should know, she tore out of the Old country just as Hitler's goons came through.

Oh dear! Someone has let this majestic tiger croak! Come to think of it, it's not that bad to let an animal this shabby pass on - he was not long for this world anyway. Goodbye, Burt!

One can hardly stem the tide of as private passion. One's unbridled lust can be contained, but just barely. At some point it must burst forth, with all the attendant embarrassment and humiliation we would expect.

Poor Perfidia! Whenever she gets interested in some "boi" a slinky rival appears and snatches him from her prepubescent clutches. Is there no hope for this girl? She may be in dire straights right now, but we're pretty sure things work out for her when she gets just a bit older.

Once feared, this unholy union of feline and insect terrorizes the skies with it's piercing meow and ability to cause welts. But do not fear the cat-bee! She is a nice creature, capable of making honey and purring in your lap. Beware the stinger.

Heck yeah! Who does not want a nice square of melty chawglit? Nice on ice cream, great in cookies or brownies... I guess someone is allergic or doesn't like the taste, but it's hard to find that person.

Yee-ow! What the hell! Why would that even HAPPEN? Good Lord!

You do your best not to create awkward moments in everyday life, but sometimes there's no remedy for it. Here's an example. You'd like to be allowed to refuse. Can there be a good way to ask for it?

It's a reasonable philosophical inquiry. Perfidia would like to know. Do you ponder the impenetrable nature of Being? Why not?

This hamster sure is surprised! When you're a tiny creature lots of things can be alarming. Perhaps you are a tiny creature who is easily ruffled as well. Then this is the perfect design for you!

Would it kill you lugs to make sure all changes to the material are disseminated amongst the crew PRIOR to a day's shooting? Honestly, it's a wonder anyone gets anything made around here.

There's not much to say about this one either, except it's a girl in a yellow dress. OK, her name is Veronica.

The Weasel God is know throughout the world, and enjoys the status of being the one single deity not worshiped by anyone, ever. Not even by weasels, who are too busy frolicking and being just a bit stinky to bother.

The Cat God is worshiped by felines everywhere. They simply don't know any better. Show those felines you're on the right team and in sympathy with their whims and desires. They'll love you for it.

The Robogod is displeased! You have done something illogical, imprecise, and quite possibly inefficient! Shape up, or the Master of Machines will determine the appropriate punishment.

Revenge is sweet, indeed! This Tiny Hamster is thrilled to bits about his victory. When you get the best of your enemies, why not gloat about it with this shirt?

This funny fellow is really out of it! He's hilarious, but he may need to go to the hospital.

Here it is! The Book of the Dead! And you thought it was lost, but all along it was just on this dusty shelf. Open it up and see what you can summon. Fun for the whole family provided the family are all warlocks.

"When yuh troo wit yuh cwafee, trow it inna gobbitch!" he said, "and get yuh feet off thuh lethah!" Who appointed this guy the boss of Penn Station? You meet all kinds.

Ugh! Take him away! No one in their right mind will order this design for any reason. This smug bastard belongs on nothing. He's strangely fascinating, considering he's a caricature of some bro found on an airline magazine ad for a casino.

Here's Johnny! Is he a popular cartoonist whose ribald and surreal comics delight bad kids of all ages? Is he the award-winning author of violent graphic novels depicting aliens incarcerated on a jail-like planet? Perhaps so, but do not tell him this.