Magnets
Description: Ah, summer in the Catskills. We were young and innocent. And then the help started thrusting their pelvic bones and everything went to hell. "Dirty Dancing." More like "Parentally Sanctioned *Dry-Hump* Movie the Babysitter Put on to Keep Me and My Sister Occupied," am I right? Anyway, help yourself to the watermelon.
Description: She looks better than a 10 inch hoagie and you know it! You can't touch her, but she can touch you, if you buy this design. And she'd really love to touch you. Things you can do while showing off your new hoagiemouth design include: eating doggy chow; hooking; turning your nose up at brown rice and vegetables; hooking; sabotaging fellow performers; and hooking. If you're still not convinced, just follow the advice of my dear friend Jeff: you gotta gamble if you're gonna win. NOW THRUST IT! THRUST IT! Oh, and I'm not a stripper. I'm a dancer!
Description: You know you've wanted to deck old Ouiser Boudreaux ever since she called the cops on you for skinny dipping in the waterhole. Sure, when you say "Hit this" you're usually talking about something else, but you're a dandy. Dandies love a good cat fight. And track lighting. Cat fights and track lighting.
Description: It takes a lot of calories to work a full shift at the Gap. I mean, there's all that shirt folding, denim folding, leggings folding, skirt folding, shorts folding... oh, and jacket hanging! That's always fun. Of course nothing expends more calories than gossiping! So have a seat with Chris Farley and David Spade and spill yourself a pot of tea with your sensible meal. Just get it before things turn violent. OK?
Description: Wear the shirt that says, "You can come at me, Treasury Secretary, but be aware that I do not have time for your Mnuchin minutiae." Yes, future legendary children, the time has come for you to reclaim your time! Let Maxine Waters, the pied piper of progressivism, lead you to the promised land of democratic efficiency! YES WE CAN, just give me a second while I put on my new shirt.
Description: Oh honey, what are we going to do with this hair? You say you didn't cut it yourself? Right. Must have been a mad scientist then. Ah well, I'm sure I can figure something out. Japanese hair straightening is a must. Leave-in conditioner might help, if you leave it in forever. And some hair dye for sure. I picture you as a firey red. WOAH! WOAH! OK. No fire. No fire. I get it. Jeez, lady. It's nothing to scream over. Not since I gave the Wolfman a mullet have I seen someone freak out like this. You're a feminist icon! Behave like one!
Description: Do you order up the sampler platter and snout those poppers like a truffle hunting sow? Do you send them back if they are not ooey and gooey enough? Do you want to see some stretch when you nibble? If you answered "That'll do, pig" to any of the preceding questions, congratulations! You're a poppers pig. Now stuff those jalapenos with cheese, batter 'em down, fry 'em up til they're golden brown, and pop 'em in your face hole while wearing this charming design as a bib! Only then will that do, pig.
Description: If you've used it, you've probably seen someone overusing it. Hell, you've probably seen someone laying in it. It's the dive bar trough! Sleek stainless steel. Sharp lines. Luxury! Usually smells of Amyl Nitrite for some reason. Guess there are a lot of VCRs to be cleaned in gay bars. Check out the hoagies. Cower in the corner and hide your hoagie away. The only rule at the trough is that you wiz with! That's whiz wit in hoagiemouth.
Description: Orange, white, naval, beach, barnacled buoys! They're the markers floating out in the water while you kiki on the beach, which is cool, I guess. However, they're even cooler in Missy Elliot songs! Sure, she actually sings "boys boys all types of boys," but we are making those puns WORK IT! Yes, it's worth it! Put your credit card down, flip it and reverse it so you can see those numbers while you order this design! Ti esrever dna ti pilf nwod drac tiderc ruoy tup! Ti esrever dna ti pilf nwod drac tiderc ruoy tup!
Description: "I SEE ME!" Of course I'm in a million pieces now, so I see me all over. That's perfectly fine. If death becomes me and death becomes her, it'll certainly become you. Question is, are you wealthy enough to afford the elixir? ::Sigh:: Who am I fooling? What I need more than anything now is a broom and a dustpan. Unh!
Description: Oh Gabriel. Poor, dear Gabriel. Some tricks are meant to remain tricks. Here you are all "ENTER YOU! VOILA IT'S SHOWTIME!" when really you should be cowering in the corner wearing safety goggles to keep the you know what out of your eyes. That's just my two cents. Cute shirt though.
