Tapestries
Description: This isn't the Car Clamp Club! It's the cast of Absolutely Fabulous! We've got Edina, Patsy, Saffie, Bubble, and even Gram! And of course what's a Patsy without champagne? Wear this design and you'll be the center of attention at any of the following events: Frankie Knuckles CD-ROM Dance Happening; The PR-PR Person's Awards Dinner of the Month Lunch; your local ISO Tank; Brick'n'Brack'n'Nick'n'Knack'n'Things; and court!
Description: I'm sorry, but those two pinks clearly look nothing alike, mama. My colors are BLUSH and BASHFUL. Don't you work me up now. You know what happens when you work me up, mama. Oh no. My sugars. My sugars, mama! Juice! I need my juice, mama! Mama! SIKE! I got you, mama! You should see yourself. Who's blush and bashful now? ::death drop:: :/
Description: You finally cleaned up your dilapidated mansion and you've got a ton of wealthy investors waiting with baited breath for your business-saving fashion show featuring... fluorescent bellhop outfits and short skirt referee uniforms? And, I'm sorry, you call that a chef's hat? I'm so confused. BUT I LOVE IT! Take my money!
Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead - General Apparel West Tapestry
$23 $30
Description: Ah, summer in the Catskills. We were young and innocent. And then the help started thrusting their pelvic bones and everything went to hell. "Dirty Dancing." More like "Parentally Sanctioned *Dry-Hump* Movie the Babysitter Put on to Keep Me and My Sister Occupied," am I right? Anyway, help yourself to the watermelon.
Description: She looks better than a 10 inch hoagie and you know it! You can't touch her, but she can touch you, if you buy this design. And she'd really love to touch you. Things you can do while showing off your new hoagiemouth design include: eating doggy chow; hooking; turning your nose up at brown rice and vegetables; hooking; sabotaging fellow performers; and hooking. If you're still not convinced, just follow the advice of my dear friend Jeff: you gotta gamble if you're gonna win. NOW THRUST IT! THRUST IT! Oh, and I'm not a stripper. I'm a dancer!
Description: You know you've wanted to deck old Ouiser Boudreaux ever since she called the cops on you for skinny dipping in the waterhole. Sure, when you say "Hit this" you're usually talking about something else, but you're a dandy. Dandies love a good cat fight. And track lighting. Cat fights and track lighting.
Description: It takes a lot of calories to work a full shift at the Gap. I mean, there's all that shirt folding, denim folding, leggings folding, skirt folding, shorts folding... oh, and jacket hanging! That's always fun. Of course nothing expends more calories than gossiping! So have a seat with Chris Farley and David Spade and spill yourself a pot of tea with your sensible meal. Just get it before things turn violent. OK?
Description: Wear the shirt that says, "You can come at me, Treasury Secretary, but be aware that I do not have time for your Mnuchin minutiae." Yes, future legendary children, the time has come for you to reclaim your time! Let Maxine Waters, the pied piper of progressivism, lead you to the promised land of democratic efficiency! YES WE CAN, just give me a second while I put on my new shirt.
Description: Tired of wearing apparel that has misogynistic undertones? Do all other designs suck when you feel like blowing daddy's cash? If you answer yes to any of these questions, then throw your balled up bills Amber's way! Other reasons to buy her: she's good at making a "W' out of her fingers, so she's dexterous, and she had to work with Stacey Dash, so you know she's patient.
Description: You've had a crush on her since she was your substitute social studies teacher. You still fantasize about the way she nervously furrowed her brow whenever someone said the word "Ma." You couldn't have her then, but you have her now, as a tattoo on your bicep. Woof. You're Dorothy Zbornak's #1 student. Grade A beef.
Description: Oh honey, what are we going to do with this hair? You say you didn't cut it yourself? Right. Must have been a mad scientist then. Ah well, I'm sure I can figure something out. Japanese hair straightening is a must. Leave-in conditioner might help, if you leave it in forever. And some hair dye for sure. I picture you as a firey red. WOAH! WOAH! OK. No fire. No fire. I get it. Jeez, lady. It's nothing to scream over. Not since I gave the Wolfman a mullet have I seen someone freak out like this. You're a feminist icon! Behave like one!
Description: What do people want more than a new single from Beyoncé? A cute ginger! Which means NOW is the time to show off your gingercorn status! Kick up them hooves, throw on some apparel by Hoagiemouth and power on that Beyoncé fan cause that ginger mane is thirsty for freedom, henny!
Description: If you've used it, you've probably seen someone overusing it. Hell, you've probably seen someone laying in it. It's the dive bar trough! Sleek stainless steel. Sharp lines. Luxury! Usually smells of Amyl Nitrite for some reason. Guess there are a lot of VCRs to be cleaned in gay bars. Check out the hoagies. Cower in the corner and hide your hoagie away. The only rule at the trough is that you wiz with! That's whiz wit in hoagiemouth.
Description: You've kikied with your girls over cheesecake. You've slept with their ex-husbands. Hell, even your children have slept with one another. I guess the only way to get closer now is to shop for condoms together! Dorothy and Blanche want the lambskins. But of course you want the ultra sensitive. In black. Leave it to Dorothy to flip out and call attention to the scene though. Ah well. She's got no one. And you have Miles. And he's tall. I bet you bought the black because you thought it would be slimming. Oh Rose. Dear, sweet, imbecilic Rose. Hand me that newspaper...
The Golden Girls - Condoms, Rose! Condoms condoms condoms! Tapestry
$23 $30
