Deadpan Hoodies

"Luddite" in black Gothic letters, similar to antique blackletter font styles, to really look the part. If you'd prefer a steam engine and a pedal-powered phone, this is for you. Also available in white.

Simple white letters on black background: "[barbaric yawp]". Sometimes, like Uncle Walt, you want to actually sound your barbaric yawp over the roofs of the world; other times you can wear it ironically (or not!) on a shirt.

This is my second rodeo

Simple white letters on black background: "I invented the question mark". No one could even ask questions before that! Just make exclamations! Because bragging's better when it's totally absurd and ridiculous.

Simple white letters on black background: "Got smallpox? Me neither. Thanks science!" Science beats your opinion, and your YouTube diving, and what racist Uncle Tucker said at dinner. Get vaxxed. Be healthy. That's science.

"You're terrible Muriel" (retro pastel) - whether you're a jealous sister gloating over someone getting in trouble, or just want to remember an iconic 90s line, this could be for you. Available in other colors and styles.

Simple white letters on black background: "queso sparks joy". Don't let Marie Kondo clear the chips, queso, or salsa out of your house. If you don't feel happy yet, you probably haven't added enough cheese.

Simple white letters on black background: "Bless your heart." Well bless your sweet heart, honey! Maybe you even think I'm being sincere.

Simple white letters on black background: "[internal screaming]". When you're bottling it all up and putting on your "this is fine" face but everything is just too much.

Simple white letters on black background: "incorrigible". Maybe a parent or grandparent used to call you this? Wear it as a badge of honor, because you're shameless, irrepressible, and you won't back down.

This is my second rodeo

Simple white letters on black background: "grumpy uncle". Is it all an act? Or are you TRULY grumpy? Maybe that's something known only to you.

Simple white letters on black background: "a little miffed". When you're British and HIGHLY ANNOYED but this is all you can manage out loud.

Well howdy pardner, and dang it all, and yeehaw - how many cliches can we pack in here? Say it in your drawliest cowpoke voice, embrace the retro mod colors of pink and orange, and set off for the rodeo, you urban cowperson, you.

Simple white letters on black background: "style icon". Nothing says "style icon" like simple white words on a black background. It's a blank canvas, ready for your fashionable imagination. Met Gala, here we come.

Simple white letters on black background: "Actually - no." Whatever it is - the answer is no.

Simple white letters on black background: "You can't cancel me, I'm already canceled." Well, for starters, "cancel culture" isn't a thing (beyond a right-wing scare word), but even if it was, I'm already canceled. Leave me alone.

Simple white letters on black background: "hermit". Some of us just aren't people people. Maybe you prefer your couch to a bar and your TV to a conversation partner. You might be a hermit. Embrace it.

Simple white letters on black background: "I don't care about winning the Pan-Pacific Grand Prix". You might outrage your ballroom-loving mother by saying so, but it's strictly the truth.

Simple white letters on black background: "aspiring curmudgeon". I'd prefer you somewhere other than my lawn, you kids!

Simple white letters on black background: "thornback". So turns out "spinster" is just for the young women; an unmarried woman over 26 (?!) used to be known as a thornback. Which - yeah, sure, ok.

Simple white letters on black background: "Enrage a graphic designer in three easy steps." Make it worse. Say, "I thought these fonts looked nice. I used them for my resume."

CLOSED FOR TEMPORARY DEATH.

Simple white letters on black background: "[gay judgment]". Are any more words needed? Didn't think so.

Simple white letters on black background: "I used to be cool". A story as old as time. Someday they'll change what 'it' is on you, too. Ah, being cool is for kids ... let 'em have it.

Simple white letters on black background: "Trump lost. Biden won. Wear a mask. Shut up." You can listen to Fox News, or you can care about truth - you can't have both. Time to rejoin reality, folks.

Simple white letters on black background: "This is my excited face." Look, this is my excited face. This is as much expression as I get. Leave me alone.

Simple white letters on black background: "eccentric recluse". Are you Gloria Swanson or Howard Hughes at heart? Prefer to be pacing around your deserted Beverly Hills mansion, drink in hand, than out and about? Yeah, thought so.

Simple white letters on black background: "amateur". Please don't judge; I've never even been trained. On anything. Just let me be; I'm not a professional at life and I'm doing my best.

Simple white letters on black background: "Be Best". Ahhh, Melania. Announcing an anti-bullying campaign when you're married to the biggest bully on the planet. Was it irony? Was it a lack of self-awareness? Who knows? Be Best.

Simple white letters on black background: "I'm not a robot". Can you click on all the crosswalks and mountains and bridges and chimneys? Congrats, AI won't get you. Today.

Simple white letters on black background: "geriatric millennial". Look, don't bristle at it; embrace it. There's nothing wrong with growing old and with all the damage those boomers are doing, you might be the last generation that gets to.

Seriously dude.

Due to unfortunate circumstances, I am outside. I have better things do, inside things.

Simple white lettering on black background: "30 years later - we're still stupid and contagious." Turns out a certain songwriter was 30 years too early. But here we are now. Ah, the humanity!

Simple white letters on black background: "Bless your heart." Well bless your sweet heart, honey! Maybe you even think I'm being sincere.