Bags
Description: There is only one thing wrong with Santa Carla – the place is crawling with vampires. Oh, and some hideous 1980s fashion. But if you insist upon moving there, take heed and keep to yourself. Falling in with the Surf Nazi crowd will put you squarely on the vampire late supper menu. Mess with the vampires themselves and you’ll be drinking red “wine” from an antique flask and hallucinating that your noodles are actually worms.
Description: Captain Howdy has been in the ouija board business since 1973. Having crossed over from the underworld into our physical reality, the Captain instantly recognised a neglected market for contacting the dearly departed. So he set about manufacturing the only 100%-guaranteed-to-work ouija board for the whole family and in the process, exposed a generation to decades of demonic possession. As the old advertisement once said: “Thanks Captain Howdy!
Description: I don’t know what I’ve been told (I don’t know what I’ve been told)…Eskimo pussy is mighty cold (Eskimo pussy is mighty cold)…Sound off, one two, one two – three four. I don’t know what I’ve been told (I don’t know what I’ve been told)…This t-shirt will never get old (This t-shirt will never get old)…Sound off, one two, one two – three four!
Description: You’re in Antarctica at a research base and a dog comes sprinting out of the whiteness pursued by a helicopter with a crazy Swede (actually, they’re Norwegian, Mac) taking shots at it from a high-powered rifle. What do you do? Do you try to understand what the crazy Swede is doing trying to kill this dog, or do you stupidly shoot the frantic foreigner in the head and give the mutt a friendly pat? If you answered to the latter, well, bad luck – because you’re about to be “assimilated” by an alien life form. Should have learnt to speak Swedish (I mean, Norwegian…)
Description: You’re in Antarctica at a research base and a dog comes sprinting out of the whiteness pursued by a helicopter with a crazy Swede (actually, they’re Norwegian, Mac) taking shots at it from a high-powered rifle. What do you do? Do you try to understand what the crazy Swede is doing trying to kill this dog, or do you stupidly shoot the frantic foreigner in the head and give the mutt a friendly pat? If you answered to the latter, well, bad luck – because you’re about to be “assimilated” by an alien life form. Should have learnt to speak Swedish (I mean, Norwegian…)
Description: Broccoli rocks! Yeah, that’s right. It may have barely a trace of anything that could be considered taste, but it’s damn good for you. Whether it’s in a stir-fry, or smothered with peanut butter wrapped inside an apple Danish, broccoli will keep you lean and mean and ready to rock out with other vegetables.
Description: The Kraken. The legendary sea creature of Greek mythology – immortalised by Harryhausen in stop-motion in the 1980s. It is also the name given to the Giant Squid, the most elusive of all ocean species. Believed to grow up 60 feet in length, it has been the subject of many tales of misadventure on the high seas. Never has one been captured alive or even captured alive on film. Jacques Cousteau claimed to have seen one, but he was probably full of shit.
Description: August 18th to the 24th is National Lycanthrope Awareness Week, a time to share a thought for your fellow werewolf. Because, ya know, werewolves are people too – they just grow hair and snack on human flesh during the full moon. In most capital cities there will be some sort of festivity, culminating in the nationwide ‘Great Hunt’ over two massive nights. Human volunteers can register with your local authority. Happy Lycan Week!
