Shorts
Description: Captain Howdy has been in the ouija board business since 1973. Having crossed over from the underworld into our physical reality, the Captain instantly recognised a neglected market for contacting the dearly departed. So he set about manufacturing the only 100%-guaranteed-to-work ouija board for the whole family and in the process, exposed a generation to decades of demonic possession. As the old advertisement once said: “Thanks Captain Howdy!
Description: You’re in Antarctica at a research base and a dog comes sprinting out of the whiteness pursued by a helicopter with a crazy Swede (actually, they’re Norwegian, Mac) taking shots at it from a high-powered rifle. What do you do? Do you try to understand what the crazy Swede is doing trying to kill this dog, or do you stupidly shoot the frantic foreigner in the head and give the mutt a friendly pat? If you answered to the latter, well, bad luck – because you’re about to be “assimilated” by an alien life form. Should have learnt to speak Swedish (I mean, Norwegian…)
Description: Broccoli rocks! Yeah, that’s right. It may have barely a trace of anything that could be considered taste, but it’s damn good for you. Whether it’s in a stir-fry, or smothered with peanut butter wrapped inside an apple Danish, broccoli will keep you lean and mean and ready to rock out with other vegetables.
Description: August 18th to the 24th is National Lycanthrope Awareness Week, a time to share a thought for your fellow werewolf. Because, ya know, werewolves are people too – they just grow hair and snack on human flesh during the full moon. In most capital cities there will be some sort of festivity, culminating in the nationwide ‘Great Hunt’ over two massive nights. Human volunteers can register with your local authority. Happy Lycan Week!
Description: If you elude capture by terrorist thieves whilst at an office Christmas party in Nakatomi Plaza, here’s some free advice. Don’t leave your shoes behind in the mayhem – you’ll need them later. Stay out of the air-conditioning vents – your movements inside create too much noise. Keep off the roof of the building – it’s a favourite terrorist hangout and sloppy FBI agents may crash a helicopter there. And lastly, it is always best to maintain a sense of humor throughout such an ordeal, so don’t shy away from contacting the terrorist leader on two-way radio and calling him names.
Description: If you want to see where the fake blood was spilt, and where the sausage masquerading as intestines were “eaten”, you can take a tour of Monroeville Mall. While you are there, stock up on ammunition, try on some retro clothing, have your blood pressure tested and take a joyride in a helicopter.
Description: Captain Howdy will come into your home. Captain Howdy doesn’t require an invitation. Captain Howdy will speak through occult tools like ouija board, but he’s gonna wanna little bit more. Captain Howdy wants your soul. Captain Howdy wants to use your body as his demon host, contorting you in ways that will make it impossible for you to keep food down. Captain Howdy will attempt to convince you he is your friend. Captain Howdy is not your friend.
Description: Get on the ready line, marines! That means get your shit together, lock and load and wake up Dwayne – because you’re gonna need all three if you are to survive the terra-formed planet that now swarms with bad-ass xenomorphs. And they’re the kind of bugs that don’t hang out the welcome sign.
