Description: Don’t settle for a dodgy wig that’s gonna come off at the wrong time. Get yourself down to Queens and visit Morrie’s Wig Shop, right next door to the Suite Nite Club. This guy’s wigs are tested against hurricane winds (so important!) and are guaranteed to stay on your cranium (unless you’re being assaulted by a local wiseguy).
Description: As though they wish to see a glimpse of what the heat would be like Hades, old folks move to Florida in their retirement years. They have air-conditioning, but rarely use it. They eat dinner at 4:30 in the afternoon and squabble amongst themselves. And when their kids come to visit, they lay out the sofa bed with the annoying bar running down the centre of the mattress, denying any living thing a good night's sleep.
Description: There is only one thing wrong with Santa Carla – the place is crawling with vampires. Oh, and some hideous 1980s fashion. But if you insist upon moving there, take heed and keep to yourself. Falling in with the Surf Nazi crowd will put you squarely on the vampire late supper menu. Mess with the vampires themselves and you’ll be drinking red “wine” from an antique flask and hallucinating that your noodles are actually worms.
Description: In 1977, film producer Moe Brown shocked the world with one of the most controversial films of all time. Vampire Cheerleaders On Acid combined psychedelia with hardcore horror and softcore pornography, creating (as one reviewer called it) “the most depraved exercise in moral degradation”. The film was banned in every country on the planet after screening in selected theatres in the United States for a short period, and the only original, uncut 3-D print of the film is still in the possession of writer and star Anastasia O’Keefe.
Description: Captain Howdy has been in the ouija board business since 1973. Having crossed over from the underworld into our physical reality, the Captain instantly recognised a neglected market for contacting the dearly departed. So he set about manufacturing the only 100%-guaranteed-to-work ouija board for the whole family and in the process, exposed a generation to decades of demonic possession. As the old advertisement once said: “Thanks Captain Howdy!
Description: I don’t know what I’ve been told (I don’t know what I’ve been told)…Eskimo pussy is mighty cold (Eskimo pussy is mighty cold)…Sound off, one two, one two – three four. I don’t know what I’ve been told (I don’t know what I’ve been told)…This t-shirt will never get old (This t-shirt will never get old)…Sound off, one two, one two – three four!
Description: Sasquatch (otherwise known as “Bigfoot”) is not some ferocious beast with an insatiable appetite for human entrails. On the contrary, Sasquatch is a timid creature, a biological anomaly whose only difference from us is a complete carpet of body hair and a disinterest in processed foods. Sasquatch keeps to himself (or herself), which is the reason he/she has rarely been seen.
Description: You’re in Antarctica at a research base and a dog comes sprinting out of the whiteness pursued by a helicopter with a crazy Swede (actually, they’re Norwegian, Mac) taking shots at it from a high-powered rifle. What do you do? Do you try to understand what the crazy Swede is doing trying to kill this dog, or do you stupidly shoot the frantic foreigner in the head and give the mutt a friendly pat? If you answered to the latter, well, bad luck – because you’re about to be “assimilated” by an alien life form. Should have learnt to speak Swedish (I mean, Norwegian…)
Description: You’re in Antarctica at a research base and a dog comes sprinting out of the whiteness pursued by a helicopter with a crazy Swede (actually, they’re Norwegian, Mac) taking shots at it from a high-powered rifle. What do you do? Do you try to understand what the crazy Swede is doing trying to kill this dog, or do you stupidly shoot the frantic foreigner in the head and give the mutt a friendly pat? If you answered to the latter, well, bad luck – because you’re about to be “assimilated” by an alien life form. Should have learnt to speak Swedish (I mean, Norwegian…)
Description: Abraham Hollingsworth was an author who suffered momentous writer’s block. In 1957, he penned the internationally acclaimed The Moral Decline Of African Mountain Apes and was hailed as a triumphant new literary voice. Ten years later, the world was still waiting for his follow-up novel and in 1970, Hollingsworth’s publisher finally decided to sack his under-performing butt. In 1987, the thirty-year mental-block was seemingly ended when Hollingsworth released his second novel, however it turned out to be an abridged version of his first novel. He has been in self-imposed exile ever since.
Description: Broccoli rocks! Yeah, that’s right. It may have barely a trace of anything that could be considered taste, but it’s damn good for you. Whether it’s in a stir-fry, or smothered with peanut butter wrapped inside an apple Danish, broccoli will keep you lean and mean and ready to rock out with other vegetables.
